Match.com you say?

When my relationship ended about four years ago, I took some time for myself.  After a year of wallowing in self pity, I decided to “get back out there”.  Only trouble was, I didn’t know where “there” was.  At my age its not exactly kosher for someone  with two kids to hit the club scene.  Not that I would want to anyway.  All that loud music, scantily clad broads, drunk guys vying for your attention just to take you home.  Not my cup of tea.  Odds of finding the love of your life dancing to Swedish House Mafia, are slim to none anyway.  So where to go from here?  I never thought Id see myself attempting online dating.  To this day, even though there are MASSIVE amounts of commercials everywhere you turn about online dating it still has this stigma attached to it……its the last resort for people who are “damaged” to find someone.

After my coworker joined she persuaded me to give it a whirl.  By the way, the phrase “give it a whirl” is something every online dater uses in their ABOUT ME section.  This is to let everyone know you had no clue where to meet people after your previous relationships demise and therefore are not a crazy, socially inept human being.  So after her constant fucking nagging I caved.  It wouldn’t have been overtly painful except it cost me $35.99 and I had to thoughtfully craft my profile.  Who the hell wants to drone over and over about themselves in an online essay? What is this the fucking SATs!?  Ohhhhh…..trust me people do.

In my experience with this online dating phenomena I highly suggest that you attempt to date as many normal guys that you can find.  That way when your seemingly mister right does not work out you have your other slew of guys to fall back on.  Now I am not saying to go out and sleep with every guy but to each their own. I’m not here to judge.  On a side note: theres a website called Plenty of Fish if youre looking for that type of thing.  I learned that shit the hard way.  I also signed up for POF because someone told me it was a free site.  Free you say!? Who can compete with free!? I was on that all of 15 minutes when I learned what the hell it was all about….DELETE.  MOVING ON……

You should definitely take your time with your profile and be extremely upfront about everything.  Be honest, but don’t be too honest.   No one needs to know that you have a penchant for midnight snacking on Reeses peanut butter cups on your kitchen floor, or that you like to bite your nails and spit them across the room.  Leave that shit for after you’re married.  Be upfront about what you want and what you are looking for.  Being a coy idiot and saying “IM JUST LOOKING TO HAVE SOME FUN!” might get you the attention but make sure it’s the attention that you want.  AKA Don’t be offended when the guy you like, rolls out on your ass in the middle of the night after your night of fun.

For you boys, everything that I said above goes for you too.  Might I add…. no pictures of yourself in the mirror, and no pictures of yourself SHIRTLESS in the mirror.  That only signals to us ladies that you are in fact a grade A douche bag.  Do not join if you aren’t looking for a relationship.  If we aren’t your ideal match then SAY SO!  Do not use the” its not you its me” bullshit.  And please do not email a girl repeatedly.  Chances are if you emailed her and a few days go by she read it and isn’t fucking interested.  Shes not responding for a reason.  MOVE ON. No there wasn’t some issue with the space satellites and your emails did NOT get intangled by the NSA  You only look like the crazies we are trying to avoid when you email her copious amounts of time in a 24 hour period.   If you have commitment issues, GET OFF the damn website and cancel your membership.  Join that one I mentioned above called Plenty of Fish if your looking for one night stands or to “just have some fun because life is just soooo short”.  Don’t join the ones that cost money if you really aren’t looking for a relationship.  If you are on the ones that DO cost money, that signals to us women that you are IN fact ready to settle down and start a life.  I know that’s a whacky idea for you to process but I guess us women are crazy!

Now that I got that out of the way, I will say that my experience so far has sucked royally.   I have met some pretty great people that I will most likely remain friends with.  Which, I have to say is better than nothing.  I also have run into some pretty insane guys on this site.  One in particular, who most definitely resembled a would be rapist, emailed me about my interest in jogging.  He proceeded to tell me that he thought a nice jog (just the two of us I might add) in a small town with telephone wires and pretty flowers would be a great first date.  Well mister serial killer think again!  Nothing signals you turning me into a skin suit, than a remote location where nobody could hear my blood curdling screams.  Needless to say I did not respond and immediately blocked him.  Now don’t be frightened…. You are gunna run into these creeps in the real world anyway.  I usually try to respond to people out of common courtesy, even if I know off the bat they are not for me.  Again I must stress that atleast you are making connections and friends.  Don’t be a snob just because he might be a little overweight or balding slightly.   You could meet him in person and he could have an amazing personality.  Don’t cancel anyone out over online pictures.  Which brings me to my next point……  If you lie on your profile and you say your athletically built you better show up to the date athletically fucking built.  No body gives a shit if you were athletically built back in high school.  We want to know what the hell you look like now.  Don’t think that we wont know you bullshitted your profile when we meet you in person.  Silly lies like that makes us think that you are in fact a BIGGER liar and will subsequently cheat on us  later on in the relationship.  Nothing kills a first date by not being the person you crafted in your online profile.

After what seemed like an eternity (all of 3 months) I pulled my profile off that website. I really could have used that $107.97 for a host of other things, like I don’t know…. a 5lb bag of Reeses peanut butter cups or a pair of nail clippers but what can you do?! I TRIED IT.  Aint no shame in my game that it wasn’t for me.  Maybe its the fact that I had kids? Maybe its the fact I live in Massachusetts and the guys here are heartless fucking assholes. WHO KNOWS?! All I can say is…. FUCK ONLINE DATING.

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