During this Winter Olympic Season, people from all over the globe have come together united under one thing: the health of a wee hobbit reporter man’s eye. Now, the question remains: did somebody fart on Bob Costas pillow (on his miniscule, Zdeno Chara sized bed), giving him the dreaded pink eye he’s currently heroically soldiering through while men and women achieve the peaks of their athletic careers? Even more horrifyingly, did somebody fart DIRECTLY IN HIS FACE? Lord knows that if I were given the opportunity to fart in Bob Costas face I’d do it in a heartbeat. With any luck he’d even spread that shit to Hines Ward finally wiping that fucking smile off his stupid face. Now, I’m not some fancy pants doctor (GASP) and the entirety of my knowledge on the subject is completely taken from this 1 minute and 8 second clip from Knocked Up that was filmed with a spud potato :
But if I were to guess, the flatulent mystery man (OR WOMAN! C’MON LINDSEY VONN, EVERYONE KNOWS TIGER IS INTO THAT TWISTED SHIT. OFTEN LITERALLY) doesn’t exist at all. He probably just washed his smug little face in the infamous Sochi contaminated water that you’ve heard so much about.
Forgetting that Golden Rule: if it’s brown drink it down, if it’s yella, don’t dab it on your face fella. But if it was Putin, rev up that dormant Cold War! You’re on thin ice, comrade. (If it was some Russian prankster like Ovechkin then that’s hilarious and a different story).