Guide to Being Single on Valentine’s Day Continued

fantastic-crier

Since Ms. Petrillo already gave you a stellar guide on how to not off yourself on Valentine’s Day (Its gotta be something warm and fuzzy, something like um.. Love Day, but not so lame. -Hallmark Executive), I thought I’d give a couple extremely helpful pointers for the fellas:

1) Join as many online dating sites as you can. Sure you can do the standard Match and PlentyofFish but if you’re gonna potentially attract your future spouse/emotionally deranged stalker you need to cast a big net! But make sure to alter your profile accordingly for the given site. For example, you could join JDate, Christian Mingle, etc. regardless of your religious affiliation, but for the love of Yahweh double check your profile. Your photoshopped profile picture of Tim Tebow cradling baby Jesus would not go over well on JDate. Also, if you have no moral obligation to this so far, go nuts and get on FarmersOnly, AmishOnlineDating, SeaCaptainDate, whatever floats your boat (HARRRRRR!). Once she finds out you’re not actually a farmer, Amish person (they’re allowed to use computers?), Sea Captain (YARRRRRR!) she’s bound to look past that initial awkwardness and see you for the great dishonest desperate guy that you are. Plus there’s like a 99% chance she’s Catfishing you too, anyway.

2) Go to a club. Preferably a standard dance club, but a gentleman’s club will work if that’s your thing (which it is). However, if the stripper that you’re talking to already has her very own valentine it’s NOT going to help your self-esteem. If you’re in your late twenties like me, the prospect of meeting the future Mrs. Right while being unable to hear a word she’s saying over the Electronic Dance Music blowing out your eardrums (unless you get in there during that ILL DROP YO! SCIENCE BITCH!) ranges from “relatively uninviting” to “absolutely terrible” regardless of how many interested single girls might be there on this night WHERE IF YOU DON’T HAVE TRUE LOVE YOU ARE A LOSER. But since you want to tell your future grandkids the adorable story about how the night you met Gammy you had to give her a gallon of water to avoid a vicious Molly blackout, you’ll have to tough it out with a little help from tip #3.

3) Drink! Heavily! If nothing else it’ll drown your single sorrows. Beer never got mad at you because you didn’t call beer back. And if that doesn’t work, who cares. It’s Valentine’s Day not This is the End. There’s always next weekend. Just stay off all of your ex’s Facebook pages. That’ll bring the feels.

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