Guide to Being Single on Valentines Day

ralph

Single on Valentines Day?  Take a deeeeeeep breath and relax.  If you’re like me, you’ve been single on Valentines Day for years.  By now I’ve almost become numb to it.  You will too in due time.  Here are a few tips to help you enjoy this overbearing Hallmark holiday sans a significant other.

1.) Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  Sure you’re attractive, sure you probably are a really chill person and have all the love in the world to give.  Well not today.  There are millions of people at your relationship level aka single on Valentines Day that aren’t complete and total degenerates with no social skills what so ever.  You’ll find someone eventually just remember that.  If Honey Boo Boos mom can get a boyfriend I’m sure you can too.

2.) Step back from the chocolate bars…..that includes the Nutella.  Sure it feels great to eat comfort foods when you’re depressed but not on Valentines Day.  That is child’s play, amateur night if you will.  Try being depressed about love on a Tuesday night, then come talk to me.

3.) Stay away from Nicholas Sparks.  Just for today.  He’ll only end up hurting you and deluding you into this fantasy world that these beautiful men exist in the world to take you away.   Reality check.  There is no knight in shining armor on a white horse to whisk you out of your quasi shitty life.  He’s really a douchebag in tinfoil.

4.) Do something worthwhile instead of sitting at home feeling lonely for yourself.  Go out with friends, hang out with your mom (hey at least she still loves you), take your kids out! One year we passed out valentines to the old folks at the local retirement home.  What a glorious feeling to give back to the community.  Only it scared the SHIT out of my son who promised me to never take him there again.  He’ll still talk about it sometimes and I’m hoping by the time he gets older he’ll forget and it wont cost me a fortune in psychiatrist bills.  LISTEN LADY THIS IS NOT MY FAULT I WAS ONLY TRYING TO DO A DECENT THING FOR THE OLD PEOPLE!

5.) Buy yourself flowers.  You don’t need someone to buy them for you.  Brighten up your day…YOSELF.  Plus, maybe I’m in the minority here but there’s NOTHING worse than a guy sending flowers to your work anyway.  Then you have to answer a million questions from fawning old women whose husbands don’t even glance at them anymore, about what a “keeper” you have.  When in reality he sent them to your work to do just that.  Score points.  Its a selfish act I ASSURE you.

Last but not least remember its just a 24 hour holiday, and by now CVS has already taken down half the shit in advance for Easter.  Those diligent assholes are always ahead of the game on holidays.  Is that Christmas stuff already?!

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