Team Russia Ousted in Quarterfinals, Coach Possibly Soon to Be Seen on Milk Cartons


“So…pretty good weather we are having for the Games, yes?”

I think star players like Alex Ovechkin, Evgeni Malkin and Ilyan Kovalchuk should be safe from the WRATH OF PUTIN, but for Russian National Hockey Team Coach Zinetula Bilyaletdinov…I wouldn’t feel quite so safe after being eliminated in embarrassing fashion in the quarterfinals by Tuukka Rask’s Finland squad. If “The Wire” and “The Sopranos” (Whatever happened to that infamous interior decorator from “Pine Barrens”? Is he competing in Sochi under the Daft Punkian disguise of a bobsledder. Just a theory, he seems capable of anything…) have taught me anything it’s that Russians are insanely tough motherfuckers that subsist entirely off of piss, vinegar and Smirnoff. In fact, after failing to medal at a third straight Olympics (this time being, of course, before his own comrades as the host country) Bilyaletdinov may want to take some notes from Smirnoff, and hightail it out of Russia entirely. He sure doesn’t want to stick around for Putin to show him his collection of tats from his KGB days…


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