First, before I go off on my long winded tirade, I have to say that watching the pre-Oscar show was absolutely abhorrent. Remind me next time to MUTE the television and watch the celebrities sans commentary. “The amount of air kissing that’s been going on is just phenomenal”
Just a few things:
1.) I felt like I was watching the pre-game superbowl the way they fawned over each leading actors and their acting ability, “SHE REALLY STEPPED OUT OF HER COMFORT ZONE THIS YEAR!” Like it was some how lateral to the plethora of touchdowns a certain “derp status” quarterback accumulated over the season.
2.) WHY IS TYSON BECKFORD ANNOUNCING ANYTHING!? HES AN UNDERWEAR MODEL?! God. So. Awkward. *smiles awaiting a camera shift*
3.) Jennifer Lawrence of course trips (AGAIN) on the red carpet. She could bump a line of cocaine off Robin Roberts arm and I would still LOVE this girl. She is so hilariously awkward. “If you win the Oscar tonight, I think WE should bring it to you… I wouldn’t want you to fall”
4.) Will Smith literally has not aged a day. Not a damn day.
5.) Ellen is just a riot. No matter how you slice it. She should host EVERYTHING. “SPEAKING OF SEX AT RODEOS, BRUCE DERN IS HERE TONIGHT……JONAH HILL YOU SHOWED ME SOMETHING I HAVE NOT SEEN IN A VERY LONG TIME!” *LOUD NOISES* “Possibility No. 1: ’12 Years A Slave’ wins Best Picture. Possibility No. 2: you’re all racists.” Also, who the hell orders pizzas during an award show and gets Harvey Weinstein to pay for it all? Ellen… that’s who.
(THE MOST EXPENSIVE SELFIE EVER!)
Approximately two months ago maybe more, maybe less, I gave my personal predictions to the categories that I care about. Below are my predictions and the reality of those predictions!
Dallas Buyers Club
12 Years a Slave
The Wolf of Wall Street
My prediction: This was the toughest category to judge amongst all of them. They were all so good in their own way. Its really a split vote in my head between 12 Years a Slave and The Wolf of Wall Street. While Dallas Buyers Club has the potential to sneak in and win the whole thing I really think its down to those two movies.
The Reality: 12 Years a Slave….. nothing more to be said. “Im not trying to survive, Im trying to live”
Best Actor in a Leading Role
- Christian Bale – American Hustle
- Bruce Dern – Nebraska
- Leonardo DiCaprio – The Wolf of Wall Street
- Chiwetel Ejiofor – 12 Years a Slave
- Matthew McConaughey – Dallas Buyers Club
My prediction: This is a very crowded, talented bunch of actors. With none of them really pulling away with an absolute clinch in my book. Leonardo DiCaprio is FAR overdue for his golden trophy and after watching him claw his way to his Lambo, 7 lemon Quaaludes deep, I say give the man the statue.
The Reality: I am not at all pissed about this turn of events. (Sorry Leo, you’ll have your chance) Matthew McConaughey has absolutely become my favorite actor of ALL TIME… YES KANYE …OF ALL TIME. Beautiful speech Rust Cohle. I cannot wait to watch him win all the Emmys for True Detective. “ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGGGHTTTTT.”
Best Actress in a Leading Role
- Amy Adams – American Hustle
- Cate Blanchett – Blue Jasmine
- Sandra Bullock – Gravity
- Judi Dench – Philomena
- Meryl Streep – August: Osage County
My prediction: This is just between Meryl Streep and Cate Blanchett. Had August-Osage County not even been in this running there’d be no denying it. My vote? Cate Blanchett. “Anxiety, nightmares and a nervous breakdown, there’s only so many traumas a person can withstand until they take to the streets and start screaming!!!” Woody Allen is a fucking genius!
The Reality: Cate Blanchett! Again. Just another no-brainer. Wonderful performance. *Applause* to her speech which congratulated everyone, including telling Julia Roberts to ‘suck it’.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role
- Sally Hawkins – Blue Jasmine
- Jennifer Lawrence – American Hustle
- Lupita Nyong’o – 12 Years a Slave
- Julia Roberts – August: Osage County
- June Squibb – Nebraska
My prediction: This is an open and shut case. Hand the trophy to Lupita Nyong’o. I don’t know where this woman came from before this movie, but she sure as shit has left a mark on Hollywood.
The Reality: The reality is folks this was also a NO BRAINER. I don’t normally tear up watching millionaires accept awards, but Lupita really deserved this. Again… (justatadtoolong).
Best Actor in a Supporting Role
- Barkhad Abdi – Captain Phillips
- Bradley Cooper – American Hustle
- Michael Fassbender – 12 Years a Slave
- Jonah Hill – The Wolf of Wall Street
- Jared Leto – Dallas Buyers Club
My prediction: Again, I reiterate, this is an open and shut case. Just mail the statue to Jared Leto in DBC. His performance as Rayon will forever be imprinted in my brain. Not only does this man look sexy as hell in real life, he is one damned fine woman! GOOD LAWD. “STOP STARING AT HER TITS RAYON, YOURE STARTING TO LOOK NORMAL”.
The Reality: Jared Leto. *Thank you thank you NO APPLAUSE* Lets be honest this was a no brainer. If the Academy didn’t give this to him, I would have rioted in the streets. Very nice speech to his mother, Ukraine/Venezuela, and his band (justatadtoolong). YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ANGEL RAYON!