Principal Skinner: And with a flute up his nose, Ralph Wiggum!
Chief Wiggum: That’s some nice fluting, boy!
The Simpsons have taught us many, many things but these are the top things that I’ve learned…
1.) Old people ARE the grim specter of death
2.) Always, always drink plenty of MALK
3.) Never disband the PTA (too dangerous)
4.) Bread does in fact contain gym mats
5.) AURORA BORREALIS CAN LOCALIZE ENTIRELY WITHIN YOUR KITCHEN!
6.) A dental plan is an absolute must…
7.) Smoking cigarettes is incredibly sexy.
8.) If you’re from upstate New York you refer to hamburgers as “STEAMED HAMS” (unless you’re from Utica)
9.) Colored chalk will lead to independent thought alarms AND WAS FORGED BY LUCIFER HIMSELF!
10.) There’s no such thing as drinking alone, as long as the lord is present!
11.) You always send flowers to someones grave even if they are still alive
12.) Coming down, does in fact render someone speechless
13.) NOTHING gets chocolate out!
14.) People who stay stupid shit should be handed a red ball to bounce immediately
15.) Always vet your valentines, you could inadvertently send the wrong message!
16.) Computers do have the internet now
17.) Operators know the number for 911
18.) if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.
19.) Failing English is Unpossible!
20.) Always speak up on the telephone when someones wearing a towel
21.) The doctor was right, picking your nose will lead to nosebleeds.
22.) Smarch has lousy weather
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST…..
23.) Never ever turn your back on your sugar pile! Not even for a second!
Dr. Wolfe: How often do you brush, Ralph?
Ralph: Three times a day sir!
Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?!
Ralph (sobbing): I don’t brush! I…don’t…brush!
I went to the dentist today for the first time in a while and boy does that experience never ever get any more pleasant. At one point I legitimately thought the dentist was going to actually rip my tooth out of my skull. It’s also hard to vocalize an answer to “Honey, are you okay?” when you’re being jabbed with steel objects one of the most sensitive areas on your entire body (I managed to give a weak “thumbs up”). Thank God for the savior that is the pristine Dental Health Insurance system here in the good ol U.S. of A. otherwise I’d end up in the American version of this bad boy:
Or maybe even like this:
And thaaat’s the tooth! LISANEEEDSBRACESDENTALPLAN!
Who could forget the CLASSIC Simpsons episode “I Love Lisa”. Lisa gives Ralph the valentine after she sees that he hadn’t receive any in class out of pure sympathy. Of course little Ralphie Wiggum, being the complete lovable inept moron that he is, reads WAY too far into that valentine and relentlessly pursues poor Lisa. It did say “I choo choo choose you”, total lead on. Of course he stalks her the whole way home unto which she tries to calmly get out of the situation by telling him that she just isn’t ready for a relationship. Of course Ralph goes home and talks to his father about how to make a girl fall in love with him. “LET THAT BE A LESSON TO THE REST OF YOU NUTS”. Anyways, Chief Wiggum uses his power as the chief of police to gain tickets to the upcoming Krusty 29th Anniversary Special. He also uses his power by forcing Miss Hoover into choosing Ralph to play the lead in the Presidental school play (SOMEONE’S GOT TO YOU, YOU DECEITFUL COW!) and cast Lisa as his counterpart. Ralph receives the notorious honor of playing George Washington and Lisa gets stuck with the role of Martha Washington his *WIFE*!
Of course Lisa reluctantly agrees to attend the Krusty show, she bursts into an outrage that she NEVER loved him and completely humiliates him on national television “Look Lisa you can pin point the EXACT moment his heart rips in half!” Lisa tries to make amends with Ralph before the play but he ends up ignoring her, focusing on his upcoming role as George Washington. Little Ralphie gives a stellar performance that leaves everyone in tears including Groundskeeper Willie (YA USEEEEED ME SKINNER!). Afterwards Lisa hands Ralph a card that says “Lets Bee Friends” and he finally agrees to their friendship. *cue the Monster Mash song, which Marty the DJ accidentally chose for the radio*
The Lesson? ALWAYS VET YOUR VALENTINES DAY CARDS BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW HOW SOMEONE WILL REACT TO YOUR SYMPATHETIC GESTURE!